There are times that you haven't gotten what you needed from others, whether in your childhood, early adolescence, or even recent times. You can hold resentment from it longer than you are aware, and it can continue to hurt you even though it's in the past. Your logical grownup self tells you that you're fine now, that you don't need said person, or you even rationalize why things went they way they went. However, you dream about it or it comes up in your thoughts when you least expect it, and it fills you with a discomfort and insecurity in your gut and throughout your body at times. You can't go back to that person or time to get the resolution you need for whatever reason(s), so you think you have to just live with the unease if and when it comes up.
Here is a tool you can try out to give yourself what others could not or would not give you, so that you can acknowledge your feelings, process the experience, and even maybe make peace and move on.
Step 1: Set up your medium.
Get your journal, notebook, piece of paper, or word document. If you're working on one of the first 3, draw a vertical line to create 2 columns -- 2/3 in on the left and 1/3 on the right. If you're working on a word document, you can work from a full document or drag the page width a bit to the left to give yourself more room for comments and notes.
Step 2: Write freely.
Write whatever you are feeling or thinking -- let it flow freely. Write your irrational, immature thoughts, as well as the competing thoughts telling yourself that you shouldn't be feeling a type of way anymore. Write as though you are recollecting or expressing for yourself and write as though you are addressing the other person -- go back and forth if that's what you need. You'll know when you are done, you'll probably be exhausted -- physically, mentally, emotionally.
Step 3: Take a breather.
Give yourself a break for as long or short as you need. Here are some ideas. Take a few deep cleansing breaths, bring your shoulders down, unclench your jaw, and unfurrow your brow. Go to the bathroom (i.e., pee). Wash your face. Take a shower. Follow a guided meditation. Get a massage. Do a chore. Eat. Whatever it is you need.
Step 4: Recognize your selves.
When you are ready, come back to your writing. Grab highlighters or colored pencils/pens if you were handwriting. As you reread what you've written, recognize who is speaking. There is your current self, likely the logical voice that says "it was a long time ago", "it's dumb that I even feel this way", "you probably don't even care", etc. And likely, there is your young self: expressing hurt, sadness, loneliness, and other unmet needs. Your wise self could even make an appearance here - the one that says to be at peace with it or helps see it from the other side. Highlight or mark them to differentiate these voices. Don't judge them. Just recognize them and give them space.
Step 5: Respond.
Now on the right side, respond as your wise self. Respond as if you are giving advice to a friend that is going through a hard time. Be empathetic, kind, and understanding. Give your other selves what they needed or wanted to hear from others. Keep checking in that you're giving yourself grace throughout this process. You can respond in a full-on entry of its own (like a letter), or just notes to respond to different sections that you've highlighted. You likely, as your wise self, will be responding to your young self. Again, you'll know what it is and you'll know when you're done. Hopefully, you'll feel lifted and lighter.
Bonus step: Identify your needs.
This is extra work and it's not necessary to this process but can be useful. From this exercise, try to identify the needs that you expressed. Use the love languages as a guide: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of services, gifts, and physical touch. Feel free to give yourself whatever it is you need. It may feel silly at first, but with practice, you may find you can meet a lot of needs on your own. Also, express it to your loved ones if you are comfortable. Let them know what makes you feel loved, appreciated, and fulfilled. They probably would be grateful for the hint! Understand that you deserve to have your needs and wants met, whether it is by yourself or from others.
A personal note:
I hope that this helps you to gain some peace. This exercise came to mind when piecing together different sessions of therapy with different therapists. It's somewhat of an adaptation to the empty chair method (which made me personally feel too silly); the theory of the id, ego, and superego; and the evidence-based practice of journaling (which helped me feel a lot less silly). I'm sure, like me, you've done this back and forth in your head many times. Writing it down gives it a different feeling; it confirms that your feelings, responses, and conclusions are real, they matter, and they deserve time and space to exist. If you find yourself coming to the same thoughts and feelings again, you can give yourself peace to let it go in the moment knowing that you've processed it before, or your entries can become a resource that you refer back to when you feel you need it. Finally, just as this exercise came as a result of other practices that didn't quite fit for me, feel free to recognize if certain pieces don't fit for you and find adaptations that speak to the way you express yourself. The goal in the end to find a way that meets your unique needs and experiences.
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